Humor On The CB Band
Your Mother A Virgin?
The Devil: Hey Little Grease Burger, Is your mother a virgin?
Little Goldsboro: Well.... I don't know.
Tarbaby Has Fallen Asleep With His Mic Keyed!
Queen of Diamonds: Break channel
Night Ranger: Go ahead
Queen of Diamonds: Night Ranger; Tarbaby feel asleep, and his mic is still keyed. You can hear him snoring down on channel 14!
(He passed out from drinking alcohol)
I went down to channel 14 and sure enough you could hear someone snoring over a keyed mic. I then went back to the channel I was originally talking on, and after a few laughs I continued the conversation I was having with a few friends.
Queen of Diamonds: Night Ranger! He's still down there snoring!
Night Ranger: Well...What do you want me to do about it?
Queen of Diamonds: Well you've got a big loud radio. Maybe you can wake him up.
Night Ranger: What???? How is he going to hear me when his mic is keyed?
Queen of Diamonds: If your radio is strong enough he'll hear you.
Night Ranger: Queen of Diamonds.... There is no way he will hear me when his mic is keyed.
(Chicken Charlie enters the conversation)
Chicken Charlie: Oh yes he will. If your mobile CB is strong enough you can drive by someone's house and get over them even when their mic is keyed.
Night Ranger: You are kidding me.....right?
Chicken Charlie: Oh no. It can be done.
Queen of Diamonds: That's right.
I knew it was pointless to try to talk any sense to those two at this point, so I went back to talking to my friends and ignored them. Chicken Charlie and Queen of Diamonds then went down to channel 14 and proceeded to try to "wake Tarbaby up" by calling him over the CB. Something tells me all their digital clocks are blinking "12:00.....12:00......12:00...."
Tarbaby had an 8 tube Elkin prior to this event. Unfortunately for Tarbaby his 8 tube Elkin was turned on when he passed out. When he woke up the next morning the transformer in his Elkin linear was fried. The amp was never repaired.
Misc. Factoid: Little Goldsboro Was Missing a Few Front Teeth
Little Goldsboro: You don't want to mess with me, because I'll kick, and I'll scratch, and I'll slap!
Carolina Pirate: Well at least you can't bite.
Little Goldsboro: <Mucho mucho profanity>!!!!!!!
Red Apple's Fake Linear Amplifier
Red Apple (Lee Brock) is a self taught radio technician who not only works on radios, but he can build his own tube type linear amplifiers from scratch. In the late 1970s one of Red Apple's CB friends said he wanted a linear, so Red Apple made a chassis complete with switches, a power cord, and tubes that would light up. What the unsuspecting friend did not know was the box was a joke. It did nothing more than light up the tubes inside when the power switch was turned on. It was not a linear amplifier at all. It just looked like one.
The unsuspecting friend was heard on the air "cranking up" his new linear with pride. Unfortunately after you heard him flip the switch nothing new would happen. Red Apple of course told him his signal had gone way up. As far as I know Red Apple never told the him the "linear" was really nothing more than a box full of spare parts.
Ding Dong! Break Channel!
Most CB'ers have run in to the problem of coming in over a telephone, stereo, or t.v. In one unusual case a CB'er reported that whenever he turned on his linear and keyed the mic his next door neighbor's electronic doorbell would ring.
Krazy Ken's CB Learns to Fly
When I first met Krazy Ken back in late 1983 he was sixteen years old, and I was twenty. One of Ken's youthful dreams was to be a radio DJ. Ken had a nice little home studio he had built for himself where he regularly practiced his DJ skills. He would make cassette tapes mixing records and then pretend to be the DJ of a radio station.
One day Ken brought one of those "practice tapes" for me to listen to in my car. At age sixteen he was quite proud of his tape. I thought the tape was a little embarrassing, but I did not want to spoil Ken's fun. I listened and did not say anything. Ken made the mistake of leaving that tape in my car. It was a mistake that would come back to haunt him a few years later.
Krazy Ken did eventually work as a
DJ at the local AM country music station WTYC,
Some time later Ken spent many hours taping me talking on the CB. He decided to play a joke on me by taking several of my transmissions out of context, adding his own dialogue, and then splicing the various bits together to make it sound like I said things I really never said. He actually did a pretty good job, and the tape did not sound artificial at all.
Krazy Ken threatened to play the manufactured tape on the air one day. I reminded him of the DJ tape he had left in my car several years before, and I threatened to play my real tape of him on the air. I guess Ken thought I was bluffing, because he started to play his manufactured tape. I countered by stepping on him with about 275 watts, and I played my real tape of him on our home channel. Ken was powerless to stop me with his stock CB, and he went ballistic.
In a moment of uncontrolled rage Krazy Ken picked up his Realistic CB radio and hurled it out his window. Unfortunately the window was closed! Not only did the CB pass through several window panes on it's way outside, but it also took out several wooden dividers that separated the smaller glass panes. When Ken realized what he had done he quickly phoned his carpenter friend Stevie, and asked him to come over and fix the window before his parents found out. The CB laid outside in the grass for about two days before Krazy Ken calmed down enough to go get the CB, and bring it back in the house.
Several years passed before Ken told me about his flying CB. Ken's radio needed repair, and I was the radio tech for myself and a few close friends. While repairing the CB I noticed a deep dent in the metal CB case. The case was rather strong metal, and it would have taken a strong impact to make that deep a dent. When I asked Ken what caused the dent he owned up.
I still have that tape of Krazy Ken playing DJ at age sixteen, but I won't be posting it here. Why you ask? Well Krazy Ken is currently borrowing one of my vintage CB bases, and his room is on the second floor. That's why.
Update: Krazy Ken was gracious enough to give me permission to put up the recording of him prentending to be a DJ back in early 1984. Ken was only 16 years old when he made this tape. All voices on the tape are Krazy Ken. He used multiple tape decks to record the different voices, and then he mixed them together to allow him to interview himself on his pretend radio station "WDK". Enjoy!
Krazy Ken and Mr. Ken - MP3 - 1.8 megs
The House Top Linear
In 1977 the busiest adult channel in Rock Hill was channel 7. One day a new CB'er broke on channel 7 and said he had a "house top linear" hooked to his CB. After several people inquired about his set up it became apparent that he had hooked his AC house linear up backwards. Apparently he had taken the long run of coax, hooked it to his CB, run the coax up to the roof top where his antenna was, hooked his AC house linear up on top of the house, and then run the short patch cable from the linear up to the antenna. The locals couldn't wait for the next rain shower.
The Chess Prodigy
Starting in 1981 "The Devil" and I would occasionally play a game of Battleship or Dungeons and Dragons over the CB radio. I eventually was able to out smart The Devil in Dungeons and Dragons to the point that it started to get on his nerves. The Devil was not at all a dumb man. I just seemed to have the edge over him in Dungeon's and Dragons. Despite his many attempts to kill off my D&D character, I kept surviving. Eventually it became his purpose in life to finally finish off my D&D character, but he never did.
"The Devil" was known to be a very good chess player, so he decided if he could not out smart me at D & D (Dungeons and Dragons) he would try his hand at humiliating me with a game of chess. I had never played chess before, so after much badgering I agreed to let The Devil teach me the basic rules of the game.
The Devil would play chess over the radio by numbering the vertical columns of the chess board 1,2,3,4,5 etc, and the horizontal columns as A,B,C,D..etc. I knew I had little chance of beating an experienced chess player at my newbie level, so I decided to have a little fun of my own. I purchased a copy of the Commodore 64 computer game "Chess Master". The game was reported to be the best of the computerized chess games of the time.
Unfortunately the chess board in Chess Master was set up backwards from "The Devils" chess board. That is the horizontal columns were labeled as A,B,C,D,... etc. and the vertical columns were labeled 1,2,3,4,5...etc. I got around this problem by telling The Devil that I was going to make my own chess board since I did not have one. A few days later I said I had completed my chess board, and I had painted the letters and numbers on the chess board. I said; "OK, I have the numbers going up and down vertical column, and the letters painted on the horizontal columns". This was of course backwards from The Devil's setup, and in line with Chess Master. I knew The Devil simply had card board strips laid out beside his chess board with the numbers and letters. All he would have to do to match my "chess board" was reverse his strips. He said ok and switched his letters and numbers.
Commodore 64 version of ChessMaster 2000
Now the trap was set. His chess board matched the chess board on the computer game Chess Master. All I had to do was type his chess piece co-ordinates in to Chess Master and trick The Devil in to playing my computer instead of me. I of course set the game at it's hardest skill level.
A few moves in to our on the air chess game Chess Master began pouncing on The Devil's most prized pieces. The Devil was shocked that he was being trounced so easily by a chess newbie. After all this was suppose to be his moment to get back at me for out smarting him in Dungeons and Dragons. When Chess Master began to quickly take several of his prized chess pieces he began to claim that he really did not have that piece there, and I must be mistaken. Ok I said, so we reset the board and started again.
Once again Chess Master began waxing him good, and once again The Devil started claiming that he did not really have one of his chess pieces at that location. Finally I had to get Krazy Ken to act as referee and verify that The Devil's chess pieces were where they were suppose to be. After another thorough trouncing I owned up, and told The Devil he had really been playing my computer. I took the computer over to his house to let him play it in person, and we all had a good laugh.
Alexander The Great's Car Alarm Pager Gets Hijacked
Around 1987 Alexander The Great purchased a car alarm from Radio Shack to protect the many CB, scanner, and stereo toys in his car. The Radio Shack car alarms of the time used a simple on off carrier sequence to activate the remote alarm pager carried around by the car owner. The car alarm pagers worked on the remote control frequencies designated inside the CB band. The remote control or "RC" frequencies are;
Alexander The Great is a future ham in the making if I ever saw one. He has a big curiosity, and he loves radios and computers. In one of his efforts to enhance the range of his car alarm pager he hooked up a standard CB mobile antenna to the car pager transmitter. He told me this along with his pager's frequency in a face to face conversation. Being the mischievous person I am, I decided to have a little fun with this new knowledge.
Since Radio Shack car alarms use simple on off carrier sequences to activate the pager, it occurred to me that all I had to do to capture Alexander's alarm pager carrier sequence was to record his car alarm's transmitted carrier sequence while on sideband and slightly off the carrier frequency. I should then be able to replay the recorded tone sequence back in to my TR-7 sideband transmitter and activate his pager.
My Drake TR-7 has a line level output jack specifically designed for making undistorted tape recordings of on the air broadcast. With the audio output from the tape recorder wired directly in to the mic jack of the TR-7 there should be little if any audio distortion on the tape playback. Those car alarms also send out a test page when the alarm is first activated to tell the owner that his pager is working and the alarm is activated. All I needed was to record Alexander activating his alarm and the fun could begin.
My CB antenna was at considerable height, and from my hill top location I could easily pick up weak transmitters at some distance. Picking up Alexander's boosted signal should not be a problem.
I knew that Alexander The Great (age 20 at the time) worked at Wal-Mart, he got off work around 4:00 p.m, and he usually started talking on his CB as soon as he began driving home. I tuned my Drake TR-7 to Alexander's car alarm frequency, tuned another CB on a dipole to Alexander's home channel ,and waited for him to come on the air. Shortly after 4:00 p.m. Alexander broke the channel and began driving home from work. As he announced he was pulling in to his home driveway I put my plan in to action.
As Alexander said he was pulling in to his driveway I started my tape recorder. A few seconds after he signed off the CB I heard a distinct sequence of tones being transmitted over his remote control frequency. A few minutes later Alexander broke the channel on his base, and began to talk to the other locals. I gave him a few minutes to get settled before I re-broadcast his car alarms carrier sequence over the RC frequency.
Alexander The Great stopped his current conversation and said; "Hold on. I'll be right back". I assumed that Alexander was outside checking to see who was messing with his car. After a few minutes he returned and re-started his CB conversation. Once again I re-broadcast his car alarm tone sequence, and Alexander was heard saying; "Dang it! Hold on. I'll be back in a minute". When he came back he was aggravated and stated that his car alarm pager kept going off. I owned up a few days later that it was me setting off his car alarm pager from two miles away, and I told him how I did it.
Several weeks later I received an angry call from Alexander the Great. Apparently his car alarm was going off again while he was at work. Sorry Alexander. I had nothing to do with the second incident.
Sidekick Gets Caught Dead Keying
In the mid 1970s Sidekick had several parakeet birds at his house. Whenever he talked on his CB you could hear the birds chirping in the background while he talked. Apparently Sidekick was about the only person on the CB who did not know his parakeets could be heard over his radio when he transmitted.
For some reason Sidekick decided to dead key someone on one of the local channels, and he did not bother to turn his mic down during the dead key. The chirping parakeets were an obvious give away. "The Devil" looked up Sidekick's phone number and called his house. The ringing telephone could also be heard over Sidekick's keyed D-104. When Sidekick unkeyed his mic to go answer the phone The Devil keyed up and said; "Telephone!". Sidekick was ribbed for sometime for being so easily busted.
Celebrity Nose Hair Collection
In the mid 1980s some young kid apparently had way too much time on his hands, no adult supervision, and a CB radio. He used his CB to randomly cuss out anyone he heard. After a month or so of this The Devil and I decided to have a little fun with him.
One day while The Devil and I were talking the young kid came on and began his usual foul mouthed routine. I started up a conversation with The Devil about my "Celebrity Nose Hair Collection". I said I collected celebrity nose hairs, and I wanted to know if he had any celebrity nose hairs he would be willing to trade. The Devil went right along with my ploy and offered up a few extras from his nose hair collection. Obviously the young kid did not fall for this at first, but The Devil and I were persistent in our conversation. We talked about the various types of nose hairs, which were common types of nose hairs, and which were not. I even remarked that one of my prized pieces was one of of Linda Ronstadt's nose hairs. When the kid asked me how I managed to get one of Linda Ronstadt's nose hairs I told him I won it off the local FM rock station by being the fifth caller. After about 30 minutes of The Devil and I trying to sound as legitimate and sincere as possible the young kid was not sure if we were bluffing or not.
Later in the conversation The Devil and I began to talk about different ways to make your CB get out better. The young kid began inquiring about the various tricks, and we happily helped him. Among one of the legitimate tricks was the killer. I talked about soaking your CB radio in salt water to get a better ground (DO NOT DO THIS). The young kid inquired about this technique as well. I don't know if he actually tried it or not, but after that conversation I never heard him on the CB again.
Shade Tree CB Tech Humor
I heard a local CB'er say that the 1980s model Realistic TRC-440 CB base got out better than the newer CB radios because it was not digital. When I asked him what he meant he said the TRC-440 has a plastic channel selector dial with the channel numbers printed on it, and the newer CB'ers had a digital display for the channel number and that is why the newer CB's did not get out as good.
Ken Contradicts Himself
In 1987 Krazy Ken heard two CB'ers drunk on the CB, and chastized them for using profanity on the air. The next day Krazy Ken was drunk on the CB and made the following statement.
Ken drunk on the CB
The Devil and
The Devil (fake crying..): It hurts me so bad to key over you ....and harass you.... It does.....sniff..sniff...