| Updated 09/26/04 05:40 PM |
Tech Support Stories From The Mailbag - Vol. 2
From Anonymous Reader:
This happened to me around Winter, 1995/96, if I remember correctly.
Why is it that some people don't even know what computer they're using, muchless how to do anything on it?
I used to work as volunteer staff for a major online service, let's call it BPM (not its real name). One night, one of the users mass-mails a program attached to e-mail. This type of mail is common on this service, and the program is actually a virus which reformats and erases one's entire hard drive (PC). Naturally, I quickly e-mail everyone telling them not to download or run this "program" at all costs. One user doesn't quite get it, though. My first clue that I'm going to have problems is that he e-mails me back saying that he "accidentally" downloaded the file. You can't accidentally download files on this service, you actively must make an effort to do so.
OK, so he messed up, no big deal, I'll just try to explain how to delete the file before he also "accidentally" executes it. So I talk to the person by messaging him via the computer. I explain that this is a harmful file and remind him to never download files from someone one doesn't know. He seems to understand. So far so good. Now comes the hard part...
Me OK, I need to know what kind of system you're using. Are you on a Mac or a PC?
Him Uhh, Mac?
Him Yes, Mac.
Me OK, you're on a Macintosh. What kind of computer is it?
Him Gateway! That's macintosh, right?
Strike one.
Now it gets difficult.
Me Actually, a Gateway is a PC, not a Macintosh...are you running Windows?
Him Oh yeah! Windows, that's it! I'm using Windows!
Me (and here's where I *know* I'll have problems) Are you using Windows 3.1 or Windows95?
Him 95
Why is it that EVERYONE thinks that they're using Win95? Is it because of all the press it gets? Is it because it's a higher number? It's not like the two look too similar, plus when you start Windows it tells you in BIG letters whether it's 3.1 or 95. I just don't get it. Anyway, I ask him to find the Recycle Bin. No luck. I ask him to look for any of almost a dozen things specific to Win95. Nada, even though he insists that it's Win95.
On a hunch I ask,
Me Are you *sure* you're using Windows95 and not Windows 3.1?
Him Oh, I was just told it's Windows 3.1
Me It sounds like there is someone there with you. Is there someone there who might know the computer a bit better?
Him Nope, I'm the only one here.
So the voices in his head told him it's Windows 3.1. Great. Strike two.
It's now almost an hour into this session, and 130 in the morning. So I try to explain how to get to the File Manager. No luck. He has no clue where to look, and I'm having some trouble explaining that he needs to be in the Windows environment, but NOT quit BPM, and not look under the Windows menu in BPM. On top of this, it's late, I'm tired, I just worked a four-hour shift, and I'm primarily a Macintosh person anyway (Please no platform flames. It just bothers me that I know more about using Windows than most of the people I meet who have a PC with Windows). After about a half hour of trying to get the concept across that he should not be in BPM, he suddenly asks me out of the blue, "I've been hitting the arrow keys in the upper right. Does this help?" He somehow miraculously makes it into the File Manager. From there it's thankfully only another 15 minutes until he grasps the concept that he should delete that file. Whether he actually did or not I don't know. He thanks me. Now the kicker
Me Out of curiosity, how long have you had your computer?
Him A year, but I hate it!
Me Why do you hate it?
Him because I can't do anything!
Me Well, have you considered taking a class, getting a friend to help you, or referring to the manuals?
Him No, you think I should?
Strike three, you're out. Two hours it took. Until 230 AM. On a Sunday. He's had his computer since before Win95 came out and he's convinced that that's what he's using. And he never once bothered to read any documentation.
Maybe I should have let that virus run on his computer. There'd be one less person like him on the internet.
Hey there, love the site. I'm a full hardware/software tech, working for a company that only sells through telephones. It is a major company, and you see their commercials all the time, I just can't say who it is because I signed a Non-Disclosure clause. Got a couple very true incidences for you.
One of our commercials, last year, told customers to dial 1-800-###-#### for an informational video about our products, and they were shipping like hot cakes. Unfortunately, something happened that we did not know about until after all the videos were shipped. Apparently, a unhappy employee, the one who was actually dubbing these videotapes, actually put something rather strange on these videos. People would get their video, pop it in, watch about 30 minutes of information, and then...get about 30 seconds of X rated video! It was in the newspapers all over the country. Boy, did we have some hot callers then.
Another interesting call I have gotten was from a new computer user, that has obviously been using a sewing machine for many, many years before she got her computer...
"Ma'am? Please take your foot off of the mouse."
Thanks!
Hi.
After working on the support desk for over a year I have finally hit the point where customers no longer amaze me with their stupidity but these took me by surprise
#1
I recieved a call from lady customer about 2 months ago claiming our CD didn't work and all it did was give out screeching noises!!! I asked her what computer she was using and she said it was a 'Sony'.
Bemused I thought this might be a Playstation she was using, but was still curious as to why there were screeching noises.
I asked if there was a make or model number of the computer (Yes I know consoles arn't computers -) and she said its a 'Sony Discman'!!!
#2
We recieved a call recently from a man who must have been in his late 70's. We went through the usual troubleshooting and after about 10mins of asking every question I know to find what computer this guy was using in between him telling me his pension details, where he had worked, the cost of modems, etc, he informed me that he didn't have a keyboard nor a mouse and all it had was a remote control. Thinking this might be some kind of NC or weird PC I asked him where he was putting our software to, he then informed me that he couldn't find any place to put it.
It appears he had gone out and bought a modem and placed it on top of his TV and was wondering why we couldn't supply our software on video cassette to get it connected.
EMail We often recieve email from people who obviously believe we are physic and seem to support any and all ISP's (AOL Customers are the worst)
>From Toyoyo Toyoyo@aol.com
>Date Thu, 26 Mar 1998 180540 EST
>To support@internot.not
>Subject Access to Loot
>I would like to know why I have been denied
access to Loot on the net.
>Why do I receive "ERROR" The requested URL could
not be retrieved leading to
>connection failure.
>Thanks.
Reply No Idea go ask AOL.
<We get several calls a week from people who are having problems with a web site on the web somewhere as well. Websites that are not connected with us in any way. Thanks for the stories.>
Hi Michael, here's one for your tech sup page from early 1995. Honest to
God, it's 100% true! BTW, love the site.
Customer I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech sup OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Cust Yeah....
Tech sup And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech sup Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
Regards,
Matt
The Customer Who Couldn't Spell
Hey there.
I work tech support at a major ISP up here in the Great White North.
I just *love* your page.
The story about the hotbot/hotbox mixup reminds of one that happened to one of my co-workers a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to get a second email address (a service we don't offer) so the tech sent her to www.hotmail.com. The user called back a little while later, absolutely infuriated. She had gone to www.hotmale.com. The subject matter wasn't quite what she was looking for.
Anyway, keep it up. Your page rocks.
Hi,
I just happened upon your website tonight, and I don't think that I have ever laughed harder than I have reading this. My name is Michelle and I work for a large ISP in <somewhere>. Everyday we trade stories on the floor about stupid calls that we get, and up until now I really wondered if we just had some of the strangest people in the world that call us. Thanks for letting me know that we aren't the only ones.
This was a call that I took recently
Me Thank you for calling Customer Care, my name is Michelle, can I have your member number please?
Customer I can't get on the internet.
Me Ok, sir. Is your computer giving you a specific error message?
Customer Yes. Says that it can't establish some protocol something or other.
(We know that he just saw the infamous "unable to negotiatie compatible set of network protocols" error)
Me Ok sir. If you will follow me, we can check through your settings to find the problem.
Cust Now listen here missy. I haven't changed anything on this here system so I know it's not on my end. And also I must warn you that I am MCSE Certified so I do know anything that you are about to have me do.
Me Ok, sir. But we are not reporting any problems, and this would be the start at determining the problem.
Customer agrees to let me check his settings.
Me Double click MY COMPUTER|CONTROL PANEL|NETWORK and read to me what you see under configuration.
Cust Client for MS metworking, Client for Netware Networking, Dial up adapter, IPX/SPX compatible protocol, NetBEUI
Me Is that all you see? There is no TCP/IP there?
Cust No, Ma'am.
Me I'm sorry sir, but I thought that anyone MCSE certified would know that you MUST have TCP/IP to connect to the internet on a stand alone computer!
Cust I lied!! <click>
(Customer called back a little later to have someone walk him through installing TCP/IP. Let's not forget, he was MCSE certified!! HAHA!)
I know there are many stories such as the one your tech ANNE encountered being a female technician myself. The one most prominent is where I gave the guy his just desserts and made him eat crow. here's how it goes
(I am also one of the lead technicians at this company.)
Me Thank you for calling, my name is Michelle, can I have your member number please?
Customer I have a 56K modem and I can only connect at 26,400 kbps.
Me Let's check the Maximum Speed of your modem.
(I tell him where to go to check that and try to adjust it to the 57600 for him. Customer proceeds to argue.)
Customer But, it's always been at 115,200 and that's what I want.
(I tried to explain to the customer about how that is the port speed and not the actual rate of his modem. Customer did not want to hear what I was telling him. Also in the process of this explanation I tried to tell him how the phone lines themselves affect connect speeds.)
Customer You don't know what you're talking about. You're a woman.
Transfer me to a real technician, a male, that knows what the hell they are telling me!!
(I put customer on hold and went to one of the male techs and told him what was happening. He agreed to talk to the man. Of course he told him the same thing that I was trying to tell him and the man didn't like that.
Inevitably the man started cussing him out and asked to be transferred to a senior technician or supervisor (both of which I am). My tech promptly did as he was asked and this is what the customer heard)
Me Thank you for holding, my name is Michelle, how can I help you?
Customer I don't want you again. I asked for the senior tech or supervisor.
Me That's what you got.
<click>
This I couldn't believe. This just happened today in my billing department but can't go unmentioned.
Actual call to billing Supervisor
Billing Thank you for calling billing, my name is so and so, can I have your member number.
Customer I don't have one, but I want to know why in the hell you have been billing my credit card for said amount of money!!
Billing I need to look up the account sir. Do you have an email address?
Customer #####@internot.not
Billing Sir, you have been a customer with us for over three years. We have billed you that amount every year for the last three years.
Customer Listen, I don't know who you people think you are or why you think you can just bill me but you are not my internet service provider.
(then customer vehemently adds) NETSCAPE IS!!
<I would have been tempted to terminate his account and let him figure it out the hard way>
One of our techs said he worked at an Internet service provider in Charlotte, North Carolina. They ran an advertisement in the local paper claiming all you needed to get on the Internet was a modem. A potential customer called in ready to sign up, and all he had was a modem. He didn't have a computer, but he had a modem.
An April Fools Article Posted on the Internet
http://www.snoot.com/news/archive/9801internet.shtml
Hi, I'm senior tech support supervisor for a British ISP, and I just thought I'd e-mail some of our pearls that have come through over
the years...
----------------------------
Tech Madam, which operating system are you using?
Customer Erm... <looooong pause> windows, I think...
Tech <with an impending sense of doom...> do you know which version?
Customer Erm... <Even longer pause followed by far off sounds of customer grilling son for information> Microsoft's version, I
think....
----------------------------
One customer called one day with a modem that was refusing to initialise. After spending half an hour going through all the
customers settings, I could find no reason for this to happen. Finally I said
Me Has anything happened in the near past that might have affected the modem?
Customer Well, the modem was struck by lightning a few days ago, but that wouldn't cause this, would it?
Me <far off and distant sound of gnashing teeth and hair being pulled out> Well, actually it just might...
Eventually I had to tell this person that she was wasting her time as a fried modem (and I DID get her to describe it to me - it was melted and there were bits blown out the side of it) can't really do much.
----------------------------
We occasionally suffer from the "complete moron" type of calls. We are allowed to tell customers to go and learn to use a computer before they call us, but its a privilege we seldom ever use. On this occasion, I sure you can understand why my (at that time) boss was upset with this bloke
Tech Which operating system are you using?
customer Eh? What are you talking about?
Tech OK, are you using a PC or a Mac for example?
Customer I dunno. Does it matter?
Tech <getting a little annoyed now>OK sir, put it like this, how many buttons do you have on your mouse?
Customer Mouse? Whassat then?
Tech Its the small white thing you use to move the pointer across your computer screen...
Customer Oh! That! Its got one button
At this stage the assumption was made that the customer was using a mac (single mouse button) but the customer seemed unable to follow
any of the steps the tech asked him to take, then...
Customer You remember you asked about my mouse?
Tech Yes, you said it had one button...
Customer Well it has another that I don't use
At this point my (former) boss blew his top and gave the customer a real telling off. Shortly after that, my boss quit, and now spends his days sitting in his house writing html. He has no phone, just the modem plugged into the phone socket...
----------------------------
Me What kind of modem do you have?
Customer No idea. The computer was set up by my ex-husband.
Me OK, go into device manager and tell me what is in the list under modems....
Customer (after looking) there's nothing there....
Me erm... ok.... look for a lead coming out of the back of the computer and going into a phone socket.
Customer (again after looking) nope, there's definitely no lead there.
Me Well, I'm afraid to say that I can't do anything for you until you get a modem...
Customer What kind of *$#%ing service do you call this! I PAID you to get connected to the Internet, then you tell me I have to go out and buy some new bloody hardware! All these things should come with the connection... <and so on until I hung up>.
She called back and appologised to me in person later that day. It turned out her husband had run off with someone else, and taken her modem to plug into the back of his new partners computer. Love's like that ;).
Hello,
Here's a true tech support story for your website (which is awesome by the way) it happened to me about 2 months ago
Tech Thanks for calling Blah.net how can I help you?
Customer Yes, I can't get my Internet to work...
Tech Okay....are you getting any error messages?
Customer No...I just can't get it to work.
Tech Okay, can you double click your mouse on the Netscape icon?
Customer I don't have a mouse.
*moment of stunned silence*
Tech Hrm...you don't have a mouse?
Customer You people did NOT LEAVE ANY VERMIN AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU INSTALLED ME!!!!!! I DON"T HAVE A D#@* MOUSE!!!!!!
<small child's voice> - Mommy....he means this thing...*click click*...
Customer Oh....
Later
Mark
Subject: LOVED your web page!
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 1998 09:46:03 -0400
From: TechRep<Fred@somewhere.net>
To: cornfed@shadowstorm.com
Hi
Just HAD to write and compliment and thank you for putting up a
such a
hysterically true web page! I do tech support for an ISP in
Massachusetts,
and people here are just as stupid!!!
Thanks again!
Brian TechRep
Lets Listen In to Tech Support Calls
I use to have these sound files posted on my web page, but when they began showing up on other web pages on the Internet I decided just to link to the other pages. I would prefer to have original stories here and not just duplicates of what can be found else where. None the less if you have never heard these taped tech support calls it can be quite amusing. Please be advised that some of the files contain excessive profanity. The recorded calls can be heard here. If you wish to skip the profanity then the sound file titled "What's a Paper Clip?" is pretty safe and entertaining.
-Cornfed