Tech Support Stories From The Mailbag - Vol. 4

Cornfed,

I LOVED your web page with the Tech Support stories, but you forgot to include my all time favorite that I took when I worked at Internot.Not. ) I remember the call with Ann and her pig headed customer...I was there that morning!

Me Thank you for calling Internet Tech Support, My name is so & so

Customer I can't get the internet to work

Me Ok sir, by that what do you mean? Do you hear your modem dial? Are you

trying to check your email? Are you trying to install the Internet software?

Customer I have this square thing that I'm putting in the drive.

(Customer was trying to install our software)

Me Now, when you click on file--> run, what error message do you get?

Customer Click? What be a Click?

Me With your mouse.

Customer I don't got one of those fancy things

Me ooook. Let's try this...

(went through a series of DOS commands)

Customer It sayuz "You must have a later version of Windows to run this

software"

Me hmmmm...What version of Windows do you have sir?

Customer I dunno...name some of them

Me Windows 95, Windows 3.1, Win NT

Customer Dat 95 Thang!

Me Let's double click on My Computer

Customer I don't see that

Me It is an icon on your desk top

Customer I don't know what an icon is

(I finally determined by doing a version that he was running a very early version of DOS; he didn't even have Windows on his computer.)

Hi, I work at a university tech support and got this call late one night.

After helping a girl download a program from one of our ftp servers, she got very worried and said

Client: Oh my god!

Me: What? What's wrong?

Client: I thought I cancelled that.

Me: Cancelled what?

Client: I was trying to download some program earlier and I thought I had cancelled it because it was being downloaded from Europe, but I just found it again.

Me: Was it taking too long?

Client: No, I'm not going to be charged for that am I?

Me: <obviously puzzled>Charged? I'm not sure I understand.

Client: My phone bill, it's not going to be charged for the call to Europe is it?

It only took me a few more minutes to explain to her the concept of a local phone call to our servers and how she can download programs from all over the world without actually calling them.

Hello,

  I was just bouncing around the net and I happened across your page.  LMAO!! That's just too funny.  I know exactly how you feel.  I also do tech support for an internet company and I was falling out of my chair.  The bad thing is that most of those calls sound familiar. Just sending you a note saying I like your page and let you know, you're not the only one rolling your eyes at the shouldn't-breeders out there.
keep it up and don't despair,

-A female reader

p.s.  ever had to explain to someone that you can't run a fax machine, phone, and the internet with only one phone line and one jack in the room by hooking them all together in a circle?  its pretty funny.  *L*

p.s.s.  you're anti-spamming system is driving me crazy!  Have you disabled it from receiving from Hotmail?  Can't get through using that account.

 Yep. Hotmail, Juno, Yahoo, and Mailexcite web based emailers are all on the nuke list. Unfortunately spammers often use those domains as return addresses [many times forged return addresses], and I have found that I can kill quite a bit of spam by blocking those domains from my mail server. If you are worried about privacy, I never divulge the source of submitted stories.

-Cornfed

I am a tech support rep for an ISP and have a few stories to share.
Please remove any reference to my email address or isp.

Done. -Cornfed

The ISP I work for sends out a CD-ROM that configures the end-user's machine for internet access for them, and dials up a 1800 number that gives them a local dial in access pop.

One day I received a call that went like this:

TECH SUPPORT: Thank you for calling XXX Tech Support, this is X speaking, how can I help you?

CUSTOMER: I put your software in my computer and it didn't do it.

TS: OK, first of all, are your using a WINDOWS machine or a Macintosh ?

C:A windows 95 machine

TS:OK What exactly did the computer do?

C: I clicked on "the internet" and it didn't work.

TS: (thinking) Did the computer pick up the phone and dial out?

C: No it didn't.

(I thought the software just didn't install correctly, or maybe she had a bad CD, so I then spent the next 15 minutes configuring the system manually)
Finally....

TS: Ok your system should be all set now. All you have to do is double click on the "shortcut" icon, and then click "connect".  Then double click on "the internet".

C: Does the phone have to be plugged in for that?

TS: (thinking she is smart enough to realize that with one phone line I have to get off so she can dial)   Yes.  I will get off the line and then you can connect.

C: What about the modem?

TS: I am not sure what you mean...what about the modem?

C: Does the modem have to plugged into the computer?

TS: Yes....Do you mean you tried to run the software, and then hop on the internet without the modem connected to the machine?

C: Yes....

(Oddly enough, this type of modem connection did not work for her internal 33.6 that was sitting on top of her monitor..)

Hi, great website.

This is one that honestly happened to me about a month ago (I have a witness!)

Onsite for the third time to a customer who really couldn't get his head around NT at all (he literally did NOT know the difference between a MAC address and an IP address). We had to fix this program (again) which he had brought from us & screwed up due to plain incompetence.

We were shown to his little office where he had two big Compaq Proliant's running NT server, both of which running OpenGL screen savers. I mentioned to him that though these were high spec, twin CPU machines, that running that kind of screen saver would cripple the server performance. This guy was quite put out, as I guess he spent a lot of time staring vacantly at little pipe systems being drawn around his screen. He ran Performance Monitor, and sure enough, the screen savers were taking about 60% utilization. He made some "Well I never" kind of noises but finished up with the classic quote

"Well it shouldn't affect things too much, as I turn the screens off overnight". I wrestled with the idea of trying to explain to him that though NT may be able to detect what TYPE of monitors he had plugged in, simply switching them off would not disable the screen saver. Within a couple of minutes I had lost it completely, and had to leave him with my colleague while I went away to cry with laughter. This customer is now legendary within our company. In the end, we accepted the product back because of the huge amount of support time he was taking up. I really wish I could tell you who he worked for . . .

Hi there,

Love the page ! I work for an ISP that offers high-speed access via cable modems. I don't work in Tech Support, but being in Network Support, I hear a lot of the doozies through the grapevine. Here are a few.

--------------

Cold Therapy

An award of some sort should go to the quick-thinking Internet user who believed that his tireless piece of cutting-edge technology, his cable modem, was becoming too hot as he was conducting his Internet travels. He put the modem in the FREEZER. Unconfirmed reports state that the now-frozen $800 piece of equipment actually functioned for approximately 30 minutes after its removal from the icy dungeon.

------------------

Help, I'm Lost, and I Can't Find my Way Home

A customer called in complaining that when he hit the Home button, he was not presented with the content screen from our custom browser. After going through the customer's settings, and finding them to be sound, our tech asked the customer where this Home button was. He was pressing the Home button on his keyboard.

Thanks for taking the time to put up such a great site. I laughed out loud many many times and have shared more than one of the stories with my co-workers.

While I do not work in tech support, I work with computer illiterates and the Internet everyday. As a sales person with a Web Design firm I have had to explain the way the Internet works, why a Web page cannot be hosted on a client's desktop computer and countless other things from viruses to the difference between email and web site addresses. Even here in Seattle, there those who don't quite get it!

I admire the work you guys do at tech support! And from reading your site, you seem to have a great attitude about helping people. Your ISP is lucky to have you as an employee.

Karol

Mike!

All I could do was read "volume 1" of your tech stories, for now. For the next volume(s) I'll make sure that I have a Depends handy in case of an accident. You almost win the grand prize for nearly causing tea to come out of my nose. That's some serious laughing while sipping...

Having done Help Desk work for over 4 years, I have some odd stories of my own, but few as good as yours. If the morons/idiots/imbeciles are going to be annoying, at least we can laugh at them afterwards.

--

 /\
/--\licia*
     \

I run a small ISP and do everything from setting up the linux boxes to tech support. Unlike yourself, after 3 1/2 years of stupid calls, I no longer always put on a happy face when dealing with idiots. I have taught myself everything without ever calling tech support to ask really stupid questions unless it is something fairly complicated like adding filters in a router. Here are a couple stories.

Me Hello Internot Tech Support

Cus When are you guys going to fix your problem?

Me What problem?

Him The internet is not working!!

Me Well, there is nothing wrong on our side. What happens when you try to logon?

Him Nothing.

Me Okay, click on the icon that says "The Internet"...What do you see?

Him Nothing

Me (Wondering if IE started at all, or maybe he lost the shortcut) Did you not see any error message?

Him No nothing

Me Well, something must have happened when you clicked on the icon.

Him No nothing

Me Well describe what you see on your screen.

Him Nothing

Me Well there has to be something on your screen?

Him No nothing

Now, I keep asking him in different ways to describe what he sees. But he keeps saying "nothing" over and over and over again (getting more rude as well). I try asking him if he sees My Computer etc, trying anything to get some information out of him. But, nooooo, nothing.

Over and over again driving me nuts. So, finally, I say "Is your monitor on?" He goes "yes". Now, I ask the 6 million $ question "How do you know?" He says rudely "Because I can see the back and forward buttons"....then I say as rudely as possible "Well, that's not NOTHING -IS IT! That is SOMETHING and SOMETHING can't be NOTHING!!! HOLD!!!"

I then went out for a smoke and told someone else to finish the call.

I work for a major PC manufacturer in the Contracts Support division. We provide phone support for large corporations who purchase extended support beyond factory warranty. Recently, I received a call from a irate customer. It seems his company was having some problems with the keyboards on 400 new PCs they had purchased. It went like this:
 
Me: Thank you for calling. How can I help you?
Cust: I would like 400 new keyboards. Please ship them overnight FedEx.
Me(dumbfounded): Um, OK sir, what is the problem?
Cust: These new keyboards have too many buttons and lights on them, and we don't want them.
Me(even more dumbfounded): Sir, what is the model number of the keyboard?
Cust: 123456
 
A quick check reveals the customer has a new keyboard with extra programmable buttons to launch applications like the browser, E-mail client, etc. These buttons are located on the upper right corner of the keyboard. They are also pre-configured to do specific tasks, which are fully documented on a single separate sheet from the users manual.
 
Me: Are the buttons causing problems with the PC?
Cust: Our users are confused, they keep pushing the buttons to see what they do, then they call me and ask why these buttons are needed. I don't know what to tell them.
Me: Sir, the documentation for the keyboard is in the box the PC came in. Did your users receive a copy of it?
Cust: We just install the PC and keep one copy of the user's manual here in the main office.(DUH!)
Me: Did you keep a copy of the keyboard sheet?
Cust: I don't remember seeing one. (Obviously not.)
Me: I can e-mail you a copy that you can forward to your users.
Cust: I don't want to retype a user's manual, I just want the keyboards replaced!
 
An hour passes.....
 
Cust: So I just pick MESSAGE-FORWARD from these little drop-down thingys and everyone will get this automatically?
 
This is getting a little long, so I'll end by saying that the customer finally realized my solution was easier on him than replacing 400 keyboards!
 
Thanks for a great site,
 
Chuckie Cheese < Not his real name ; ) >

Tech Support Stories

It's what I do for a living too...this is absolutely true...I swear up and down...I even brought another tech online cuz I couldn't believe it...

Me Okay sir, I need you to hit the escape key.

Cust The what?

Me The escape key. It' the key at the the top left of the keyboard.

Cust Where?

Me Sir, it's the key that says E-S-C at the top left of the keyboard.

Cust Says what?

Me Sir, it's at the top left of your keyboard and says E-S-C on it.

Cust Top left?

Me (Aaargh...)

This went on for FIVE minutes before he found it. I swear. Needless to say, after I got him directed to an onsite field tech I laughed for an hour...

I have a bunch of these stories...I'll send you more when I get some time...

Thanks...and please change the names to protect the guilty...

- A great big old toad sitting on a lonely lilly pad - <==Ok - How is that.. ; )

Did a very short tour of duty as a tech support agent for a new isp...

They were just starting up, literally 3 days before they started taking calls, we found out that the dns numbers we built into internet explorer were wrong... I know what you thinking, just a bunch a disk rewrites... The problem is, we had pre-sold about 150 accounts a couple weeks ahead of time, and had all the customers pre-configured and ready to roll... So, that day/evening I was diligently making telephone calls to 150 people stepping them through how to change their internet settings. I was actually getting pretty fast at it.

Out of 150 calls, only two were truly memorable..

The first one I had egg on my face... it went something like this;

<RING RING> HELLO?

me yes, this is XXXX with XXXX internet, may I speak with XXX?

Customers wife Hold on, I'll get him

Cus Yeah XXX, what can I do for you? (we were friends from a modem network doom BBS system I was running before the internet

came along in the area)

me yes, we ran into some problems and the dns numbers in your software packet were wrong, so, if you have time to bring up your internet settings information I can guide you through fixing them...

cus I didn't get an internet software package.

me (thinking, great, one got away) ok XXX, we're open late tonight so if you want to you can come by and pick up the

software this evening..

cus ok, I'll swing by in a few minutes, I was heading out anyways (he lived about 5 minutes from our office)

cus ok, thanks for letting me know.. bye <CLICK>

about 20 minutes later, my friend comes in and asks for a software packet from our secretary, now, with 150 accounts and this guy being a fairly good friend to all of us, the secretary knew something I didn't...

cus yeah, XXX said I needed to get a software bundle?

sec umm, let me check something... <type type type> nope, you don't need a software bundle, you don't have an internet account.

cus oh?

me huh? oh, I'm sorry to have troubled you (he had bought a web page, not an internet account, but it came up on the customer

list anyway)

cus ah hell, I might as well take a look, sign me up.....

we all had a good laugh over that one. I'll never forget it

(just make the details more interesting *grin*)

The other one is more classic...

cus hello?

me yes, this is XXX with XXX internet, may I speak to XXX?

cus speaking

me yes, I'm calling to inform you that some settings are wrong in your internet setup, we had some communication problems on our end and we need to resolve it. Are you in a position to work on your computer?

cus yes I am, but may I speak to XXX (the owner) first?

me he is rather busy at the moment, but I can put you on hold if you're willing to wait (the poor owner was running around like a chicken with his head chopped off... his auto supply store was bustling that day (yes, a combo internet supplier/computer repair/auto parts store))

cus yeah, I'll wait

so, I put the guy on hold, and chase down the owner, telling him

XXX is on line X waiting to talk with him... I switch to using a different telephone line and make a few more tech calls (about 45

left at this point left).

After about 20 minutes the owner comes back to the cubbyhole of a room I was working out of, and with a big *hit-eating grin on his face, almost laughing asks me, "What the hell did you say to him?" I told him just the usual stuff, this is XXX calling for

XXX internet/etc... He had a story to tell...

Apparently in the 15 minutes he'd talked to him, the customer was frantic, wanting to know why our software had screwed up his computer, what the hell we were doing looking at his system, and why someone he didn't know was calling him up telling him these weird numbers to punch in when he got the chance... The poor guy really thought that I was accessing his computer from mine, and was poking around looking through his things. (He also had some rather rude things to say to me, the customer, not my boss.. he was laughing too hard) The guy actually felt so bad about telling me off like he had, that he came down to the shop the next day in person and apologized... I guess southern hospitality does exist (btw, I was living in Texas at the time)

From Jeff@somewhere.not

I've been reading your stuff the past few days and a thought occurred to me. Aren't you worried that some of these customers might actually get online one day and find this place, then be upset at seeing their story?   (ROFL guess yer not really all that worried about that after all).  Ok, I've had my fun, keep the funnies coming.

My Reply:

   If you really did something as dumb as some of the things posted on my web page would you admit to it? 

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