Calls to Tech Support

Updated 09/26/04 05:40 PM

Actual Calls and Letters to Internet Technical Support!

Volume 1

Nobody Home

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?

Customer: Yes I was trying to chat on the Internet, and all I keep getting are a bunch of URL addresses.

Tech: What program are you using to chat with?

Customer: Netscape

Tech: And what is the web address where you are trying to chat?

Customer: www.yahoo.com

Tech: Your trying to chat on Yahoo?

Customer: Yes. I typed hello in the little box and pressed enter, but it just brings up another page with all these web addresses.

<The customer was trying to chat in to the Yahoo search engine input box by typing "Hello" and pressing ENTER>

Female Customer: Yes I am having trouble connecting to the Internet.

Male Tech: Are you getting any specific error messages when you try to connect?

Female Customer: Yes, but I forgot to write them down.

Male Tech: Is this the same phone line your modem uses, or do you have a separate phone line for your computer?

Female Tech: I have a separate phone line for my computer.

Male Tech: Ok go ahead and try to connect to the Internet

Male Tech: Oh, I know you.

While attempting to determine if a customer had an IRQ conflict with a modem that would not dial under Windows 95, I took the customer to modems in control panel (she had 8 modems listed), I removed all modems and then redetected her modem. Windows found a "Standard Modem". Then I told her to click on the diagnostics tab and tell me what was on each com port. Her reply was; "On com 1 I have a serious mouse. On com 2..."

As opposed to what? A silly mouse?

A customer could not log in and was getting the message; "...check your user name and password and try again." When I asked the customer what his password was he said; "Lower case 'ce' and upper case '1575'." That means he was really typing in "ce!%&%"

Actual email sent to Tech Support;

From SUPPORT@internot.not Sun Feb 15 13:07:12 1998
Resent-date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:03 -0500 (EST)
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:01 -0500
From: Idiot <Idiot@internot.not>
Subject: HELP! HELP!!!
Sender: SUPPORT@internot.not
X-Sender: "Tech Support Mail" <techsupport@ws165.ts.internot.not
Resent-to: TECHSUPPORT@WS165.TS.internot.not
To: support@internot.not >X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32)

   I e-mailed you on Friday.   I NEED YOU TO CALL ME. ### -####.
Immediately. Sending me an e-mail doesn't help at all. I can't get to
it without downloading my entire hard drive - 1.0 bites!!! So, pick up
the phone and call me. ### -####, area code ###. I haven't been able
to e-mail since my message on Friday. I can't get messages or
anything. I do not want my hard drive somewhere on a network . . .!
I don't know what happened and I sureley didn't go into that second hard
drive and haven't for months. So, something with "your system" had
tapped into my computer!
  You have a responsibility to contact me = BY PHONE - immediately.
Don't you get it? I can't get to e-mail without downloading the entire
hard drive that is already on my computer. AND, I don't want other
people with access to my hard drive. Pick up the phone and dial.

           Thank you.
                               Idiot

Actual email sent to Tech Support;

From SUPPORT@internot.not Sun Feb 15 13:07:12 1998
Resent-date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:03 -0500 (EST)
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:01 -0500
From: <@internot.not>
Subject: HELP!
X-Sender: "Tech Support Mail" <techsupport@ws165.ts.internot.not
To: support@internot.not
X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32)

Hello,

I can send email, but none of my friends can send me email. What is wrong?

The customer did not sign his name of give us any normal means to contact him.

Actual email sent to Tech Support;

From SUPPORT@internot.not Sun Feb 15 13:07:12 1998
Resent-date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:03 -0500 (EST)
Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 13:07:01 -0500
From: Idiot@internot.not
Subject: Can't get on the Internet
To: support@internot.not
X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Pro Version 3.0 (32)

Hello,

I can't get on the Internet. Please call me at ### -####.

Idiot

I found a note on my desk from an Internet Service Provider to call one of their customers who was having modem disconnect problems. When I dialed the number I was greeted by a very loud BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Behind this very loud buzz I heard a meek by comparison voice say "Hello?". When I tried to talk to this masked voice she said; "Hold on a minute." After a second or two the buzz disappeared and the woman returned. I introduced myself, and offered my assistance. Her son said they had been getting disconnected from the Internet repeatedly. The woman came back on and said they had just had the modem replaced a few weeks ago, and the computer company said the modem was fine. I asked her what that loud buzz was when I first called, and she said she had to unplug the modem from the phone line. I asked her to plug back in the modem and I heard immediately "BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Speaking loudly I told her to disconnect the modem. She adamantly repeated that the modem had been replaced three times, and the computer manufacturer said there was nothing wrong with the modem. I told her either the modem was bad or the phone jack the modem was plugged in to was bad. Then I asked her if there had been any thunderstorms lately. The woman said; "Well about a week ago we did hear this big crack of thunder around 2:00 a.m., and it blew the neighbor's phone box off the wall." I told her to get the phone line checked, and get the modem checked again. As I hung up the phone I wondered if she found herself lying in the road wearing a bloody torn dress and tire tracks up her back would she know that she had been hit by a car...

Angry Customer: I've been trying to connect to your service for three days and your number is always busy!

Tech: Are you using Windows 95?

Angry Customer: Yes!

Tech: Click on your Internet dialer icon and get to the "Connect to" screen please.

Angry Customer: Ok.

Sly Tech setting up Angry Customer: What phone number do you have in the dialer Sir?

Angry Customer: ###-####

Sly Tech speaking innocently: I've never heard of that number Sir. What number is that?

Angry Customer: Why that is my home phone number.

Amused Sly Tech: Well Sir you have been dialing yourself for three days.

Embarrassed Customer: Well I didn't put that in there! How did that get there?

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?

Customer: Netscape...

Amused Tech: Is Netscape your first name or your last name?

Female Tech: Internet Tech Support this is Anne speaking. May I have your user name please?

Macho Pig: May I please speak to a male technician.

<Too bad Anne didn't lower her voice and say; "Internet Tech Support this is Ralph speaking." Her forgiving boss probably would have let her get away with it at least once.>

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?

Customer: Yes I am in the Internet dialer where it has the two places where you can select "Server assigned IP address" and "Specify an IP address", and I can't get them unselected. It is slowing down my Internet connection.

Tech: Sir that has nothing to do with the speed of your Internet connection. It has to do with how you determine your IP address on the Internet.

Customer: Look! You don't seem to understand! I don't want either one of them selected. It is slowing down my modem on the Internet.

Tech: Sir you cannot un-select both of them. The selection is either one or the other. You have to have one of them selected for your Internet connection to work. If you are a regular dial up customer the correct setting is "Server assigned IP address".

Customer: Look dammit! I know that neither one of them was selected before, and I need to un-selected both of them! Don't you get it!

Tech: With radio buttons in Windows 95 you have to choose one of the other. There is not a "neither" selection.

Customer: %*& @$!( :" .?! |=- %^#!!!!!! <Click!>

<The idiot kept calling back and getting different techs and cussing them out when they gave him the correct answer. We finally banned him from tech support and told him not to call anymore.>

Customer: I paid over $2000.00 for this computer! I ain't read'in no stink'in manual!

Customer: I just canceled my account with AOL because their modem kept hanging up on me, and I want to see if you guys have any better service.

Tech: What kind of modem do you have Sir?

Customer: Well I bought the cheapest 28.8 modem I could find. <Actual word for word quote>

Tech: Well Sir, when you buy the cheapest 28.8 modem you can find what you get is the cheapest 28.8 modem that can be made, and frequent disconnects are a re-occurring problem with cheap 28.8 modems.

Customer: Hmmm....Did I screw myself?

Tech: It doesn't look good Sir.

AOL Tech Support Stupidity

Customer: Yes I just finished talking to AOL Tech Support and they said that I needed to call my local ISP and tell them there is a problem with their software. I cannot connect to AOL.

Tech: Do you have an account with Internet Internet Services?

Customer: Yes

Tech: And you are trying to connect to AOL through our access number? (Many customers do this successfully to avoid a toll call to AOL)

Customer: Yes.

Tech: Do any of your programs work?

Customer: Yes. I can check my email. I can browser the Internet. I just can't connect to AOL.

Tech: If you can bring up any web page in the world, but you cannot connect to AOL then that is AOL's problem.

More AOL Tech Support Stupidity

Customer: Yes I just finished talking to AOL Tech Support and they said that there is a problem with your network.

Tech: Do you have an account with Internet Internet Services?

Customer: Yes

Tech: And you are trying to connect to AOL through our access number?

Customer: Yes, but every time I type www.aol.com in Netscape I get the error message; "Netscape cannot locate the server. The server does not have a DNS entry".

The Tech duplicates the customers error message for AOL, but all other web addresses work. Tech queries the Internic database and gets "No DNS entry".

Resolution: AOL actually did not have a DNS entry with Internic for a day! That means for a whole day as far as the entire Internet was concerned AOL did not exist! Too bad it was just for a day! Our engineer called up AOL and alerted them of THEIR problem.

Unbelievable but True!

A woman called in to Tech Support and said she put the cd for our software in her cd drive, and it was now stuck in the drive and she could not get it out. Fortunately her daughter came over during the call and it was determined that the woman did not have a cd drive at all and she had attempted to insert her cd in the 3.5" diskette drive. When the cd would not fit the woman trimmed the cd down to size with her scissors until it would fit in the 3.5" diskette drive. (This IS a true story!)

Customer with a thick Southern accent: Hey mayaan! I wont to go tuh... <brief pause as customer un-folds a piece of paper> "dub-yah dub-yah dub-yah - DOT - Naass - caaar - DOT -See-Oohh-Eemm." How do I dooo dat?

Another customer with a thick Southern Accent: Hey mayaan... I want tuh git in dem chat ruums and tawk dirty to them guuurrllz! How da I dooo dat?

Yet another customer with a thick Southern Accent: I won't tuh get me sum of dat interneyet.

Customer with Asian accent having problems with a cheap WinModem: I call US Robotics and they were veerrry surprised at what you say. US Robotics say; "Winmodem good modem!"

Tech hits his mute button and replies: WinModem shit modem!

From that day forward Tech Support had a new saying when referring to WinModems.

Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Every time I try to connect it says....Umm.. Here wait a minute and I'll show you. It says...<click>..Uh?..... What??.... Oh..? It says; "No - dial - tone?"

Tech: Sir you can't connect to the Internet on the same ...<click!>

Customer: It says; "No - dial -tone again???"

Tech: You can't connect to the Internet on the same phone line you're <click!>..Sir?......Sir???<click!> <click!> Sir! <click>

Customer: Yes I run a computer business here in Charleston, South Carolina, and I cannot get Netscape 3.0 to install on this 286 pc.

Tech: Sir, Netscape 3.0 will not install on a 286 pc. It requires at least a 386 class pc or better to work properly.

Customer: If I can just copy this file..

Tech: Sir copying a file will not make Netscape 3.0 work on a 286 pc. The minimum requirements for Netscape 3.0 listed on the software package specifically state a 386 or higher pc with at least 8 megs of RAM. I'm sorry, but Netscape 3.0 will not run on a 286 pc.

Customer: God Dammit! Let me talk to your supervisor!!!!

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. What can I do for you?

Customer: Well you know in Netscape where it shows the web address above the net search button?

Tech: Yes.

Customer: Well if you click that little down arrow to the right of that it shows a list of web addresses. How do you delete those web addresses?

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. What can I do for you?

Customer: Yes when I try to dial I get an error message that says; "The computer is not receiving a response from the modem".

Tech: Ok click on START/SETTINGS/CONTROL PANEL and then MODEMS.

Customer: Ok.

Tech: How many modems do you have listed in modems?

Customer: Oh I've got a slew of them.

Tech: Well I need you to remove all of them. Just click on the modem so it is highlighted and then click REMOVE. Keep doing that until they are all gone.

Customer: Alright but this is going to take a few minutes

A customer called in and was having modem disconnect problems. The tech was suspicious of an IRQ conflict, so he took the customer who had Windows 95 in to "Modems" in "Control Panel", had him click on the diagnostic tab. The tech then asked the customer what he had on each com port. The customer replied; "Well on com 1 I have a serial mouse. On com 2 I have my modem. On com 3 it says; 'No modem installed.' On com 4 it says; 'No modem installed.' On com 5 it says; 'No modem installed.' On com 6 it says; 'No modem installed.' On com 7 it says; 'No modem installed.', and on com 8 it says 'No modem installed."

Tech Support Screws Up

One day Netscape's web servers went down and no one in the country could use their "Net Search" button on Netscape, because the search engine page that comes up when a user clicks "Net Search" is pulled from a web server at Netscape. An elderly Christian gentleman called in to Tech Support and landed with a brand new Tech Support employee. The tech explained the problem correctly. The elderly man said he really needed to search the Internet and wanted to know if there was a way to get around the problem. The new tech came to me and asked me what to do. I told the new tech that I always used the Hotbot search engine, and to tell the gentleman just to go directly to http://www.hotbot.com. Unfortunately by the time the new tech got back on the phone with the elderly Christian gentleman the new tech had become somewhat confused and told the elderly Christian man to go to "www.hotboX.com" instead of "www.hotboT.com". Of course "www.hotboX.com" turned out to be a web site of an entirely different nature. Click the hotbox link to see what our customer saw. We had to apologize to the gentleman the next day.

If breeding required thought...

A lady called in to Tech Support in tears. She had been on on the Internet and was attempting to download a program with Microsoft Internet Explorer 3.0. Internet Explorer gave it's usual warning about downloading programs off the Internet that says; "Some programs may contain viruses or may be otherwise harmful to your computer...", so she made her children go out side, she locked the door, she put all her icons in the "Recycle Bin" for Windows 95, turned off her computer, and then called Tech Support because she was afraid her family might catch a virus from her computer. It took the Tech Support supervisor at least twenty minutes to calm her down and explain.

But I want to run before I can crawl!

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?

Customer: Yes I just signed up with your company for the Internet. They gave me a cd that says Internet Toolkit. What do I do now?

Tech: Have you installed the software on the cd on to your computer?

Customer: No.

Tech: Well then you need to install the software first before you can get on the Internet.

Customer: How do I do that?

Tech: Well you put the cd we gave you in your cd drive and run the setup program.

Customer: How do I do that?

<Tech thinking to himself...."You could start by reading the manual and learning how to use your computer BEFORE you try to get on the Internet">

Tech talking to customer using Windows 95;

Tech: Ok..Click on "My Computer".

Customer: How am I going to click on your computer!

Tech trying to help a customer who is connected to the Internet on a separate phone line but cannot check his email;

Tech: Do you get an error message when you try to check your email?

Customer: Yes.

Tech: What does the error message say?

Customer: It's on my screen. Can't you see it?

From another tech where I work:

"I just talked to this lady who just bought a laptop computer and already had a desktop computer with her Internet software installed on it. She thought that because she was using the same phone line to dial out for both computers she would not need to install her Internet software on her new computer. And she wondered why it wouldn't work."

Ring!

Tech # 1: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?......Hello? Hello....<Tech hangs up>

...15 seconds or more pass....

Ring!

Tech # 2: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?......Hello? Hello....<Tech hangs up>

...15 seconds or more pass....

Ring!

Tech # 3: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?......Hello? Hello....<Tech hangs up>

...15 seconds or more pass....

Ring!

<Techs begin talking among themselves about this>

Tech # 1: Who ever this is you have entered the phone number for Tech Support in your Internet dialer instead of your modem access number. Please change the number in the Internet dialer to the correct number for your city. Thank you. <Tech hangs up>

...15 seconds or more pass....

Ring!

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your user name please?......Hello? Hello....<Tech hangs up>

This continues for about thirty minutes until the idiot figured it out or just gave up.

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