Actual Calls and Letters to Internet Technical Support!

Volume 2

When the Customer is Not Co-operating

  Normally we at Tech Support make an extra effort to be polite and patient with customers calling us even when the customer may not be polite or patient with us. There are however times when it is necessary to bust the customer's balls in order to gain their co-operation before we can fix their problem.
  With many calls coming in at a time we have to get each person fixed as quickly as possible, or the amount of time the next customer will wait on hold will go through the roof. We have no time for customer's who will not answer our questions, or do what we tell them. The first two stories below are actual calls where it was necessary to bust the customer's balls in order to gain their co-operation.

Ball Bust # 1

This customer was trying to lead me around his computer to tell me how to fix his problem. He was on the wrong track. I had heard the error messages he was telling me all too many times from other customers, and I knew what his problem was. When I began forcibly taking control of the call he said;

Customer: Now wait just a minute! I know what I'm doing! I've been working on computers for over twenty years! I am an engineer and I ... (He begins rambling off his impressive credentials. I let him finish and then confidently replied...)

Tech: That's great Sir, but if you knew how to fix this problem you would not be on phone with tech support. You would have fixed your problem, and I would have never heard from you. Right?

(After a few seconds of silent pride swallowing the customer meekly said...)

Customer: ..........right.

I fixed his problem in a matter of minutes. This man was actually a knowledgeable person, but his pride was getting the best of him. The fact that he was on the phone with tech support told me that this problem had already beaten him.

Ball Bust # 2

  A lady called in with a Windows 95 computer that had been working fine and getting her on the internet, but now she could not get connected to the Internet at all. The first error she gave me was; "Dial-Up Networking could not negotiate a compatible set of network protocols...." This is an error message we hear all the time. It usually means running scandisk to fix any disk errors, re-installing dial-up networking, and creating a new dialer. It is a routine we at Internet Tech Support know all too well.
  As I try to go through this relatively routine process, error message after error message pops up on her computer. "Run32.dll caused a General Protection Fault in...", "Rnaapp cause a General Protection Fault in...", "Explorer.exe - This program has performed and illegal operation and will be shut down", "The Microsoft Dial Up Adapter is not configured properly..." At this point I knew her computer was screwed! Her problem went beyond the support we provided at Internet Technical Support. It was not an Internet problem. It was computer problem. She needed to call her computer manufacturer for help on this one. They would probably tell her to format her hard drive, and re-install Windows 95.
  I began to refer her back to her computer manufacturer. She did not like this and tried to argue her way out of it. I already knew her computer was screwed, and I didn't budge. Finally she says; "Well! I wasn't having any of these problems until I called Internet Tech Support!" And I replied; "Well if you were not having any problems then why did you call Tech Support?" Several seconds of silence passed as she swallowed the bitter pill. I strongly advised her again to call her computer manufacturer. She reluctantly agreed and hung up.

Kid Power!

An adult male called in with some type of computer problem. He could not get on the internet anymore. I asked him a few basic questions about his computer. He seemed to be having trouble answering even the simplest questions. He was having to think! I could hear the rusty mental wheels in his head grinding to a halt. Abruptly he said; "Let me let you talk to my son." After a few seconds I heard a rather high pitched young squeaky voice say; "Hello?" I began giving this young man instructions on what to do, and he executed each instruction beautifully. Fifteen minutes later the young man had his daddy's computer ready to get back on the Internet. Before I hung up I just had to know; "Son, how old are you?" And he replied; "10".

There have been more than a few times that customers calling in to tech support thought that because their computers were connected to the Internet we at Internet Tech Support could some how see or access their computers on the Internet, but even I wasn't ready for this one!

A lady called in to Tech Support saying that she kept getting disconnected from the Internet. I told her to go click on something on some menu on her computer, and she said that she was not in front of her computer. She was in the kitchen, and the computer was in the other end of her house. I told her I had a lot of things I needed to check, and I really needed her to be in front of her computer. She said ok and I heard her put the phone down on the counter and begin walking away. I waited for her to pick up her other phone (usually a cordless phone in this type of situation) and sit down in front of her computer. I waited......and I waited...........and ...I ..waited.........Then it hit me! Oh no!................ Noooooooooooo!..... Surely she's not sitting at her computer thinking I'm coming across the Internet and.......... ............Nooooooooooooooooo!

She never did come back to the phone. I finally hung up with my mouth hanging open in disbelief!

Black Friday
(You will need to be some what familiar with modems to appreciate this one.)

  At one time my companies connection to the internet consisted of a single DS3 via Sprint. On a day Tech Support has come to call "Black Friday" that single DS3 went down and stayed down for eight hours! None of our customers could do anything on the internet and neither could Tech Support. Our phone lines lit up like the Fourth of July as every single customer across several states began calling Technical Support to see why their web browser, email client, or whatever was not working. There was nothing Tech Support could do to fix this problem. The problem was at Sprint and even our own engineers could not do anything about it. We had to wait on Sprint to fix it.
  Several of the tech support people and engineers were having their lunch in the break room when one of our usually brighter techs walked in. He calmly announced that he had found a modem init string that would get around our current Internet predicament. The other techs and engineers looked at him in some what disbelief waiting for him to make an absolute fool of himself. One of the other techs took the bait and said; "And what modem init string might that be?"
The bright tech replied; "AT &T".

By the way... The following Monday we ordered a second DS3 via another company independent of Sprint.

That's The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Heard!

One day a customer called in and told one of our techs that he was having trouble receiving faxes while on the Internet. The tech attempted to explain that because the Internet dialer was using the same phone line as the fax machine to connect to the Internet, in-coming fax calls could not be received by the fax machine while the customer was on the Internet. The customer said that was the stupidest thing he had ever heard, and gave our tech a good cussing out before hanging up.

A Sure Cure for Insomnia

One very busy night Tech Support was short a few techs and calls were flying in faster than they could take them. The amount of time customers were having to wait on hold had reached thirty minutes! Upper management had gone home around 5:00 p.m., and the building was only occupied by the younger members of Technical Support. One exasperated tech finished with his last call and his phone rang as soon as he hung up. "Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?" To which the customer replied; "ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....... .....ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............ ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz............ ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz......" The customer was sound a sleep! He was not just sawing logs. He was chopping down an entire redwood forest! The tech tried unsuccessfully to wake the man, but to no avail. The technical support staff felt sorry for the customer for having to wait for so long, but that didn't stop them from putting the call over our building paging system for all to hear; "Sir?...... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz...... Sir,wake up! ........ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... ................ Sir? .......... ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz..." The customer never did wake up.

Isn't this Internet Technical Support?
(It is for the benefit of every Internet tech support employee
in the world that I post this one)

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Customer: Yes I was trying to set up <Some program I have never heard of before>, and I was getting this error message that says; <Some error message I have never heard of before>.

Tech: Mam, I'm sorry but we only provide Technical Support for the programs we distribute. I have never even heard of that software before. You will need to contact who ever manufactures that product for technical support.

Customer: Well I downloaded this program off the Internet through Internet Internet Services!

Tech: You may have Mam, but you didn't download it from us. There are thousands and thousands of businesses on the Internet that have nothing to do with our company. We couldn't possibly provide technical support for every program available on the Internet.

Customer: Oh...Well then who do I need to call?

Tech: I have no idea. Go back to the web page you downloaded that program from and see if there is a support page link.

The Netscape History List Strikes Again!

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!

<Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself>

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

Female Customer: Yes that one!

Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

<Several seconds of silence pass.>

Female Customer:...........oh................ OOOH! ......Thank you.

<She quickly hung up>

Idle Hands - Idle Minds

Another Tech was getting tired of having to relay all of his requests through one person who was giving them to someone else that was doing all the typing. The Tech finally asked "Isn't there someone else there that I can to talk to that might know more about what he's doing?" The first man said, "Yeah, but he can't come to the phone right now. Both his fingers are busy!"

A Strange Breed Indeed

From The Technical Support Email Bag: (Ed. Note: It becomes obvious that we are in the Bible Belt)

  I am happy and I am sad to report that the disconnect mystery is PARTIALLY SOLVED. Yea, verily (a superfluous word if ever there was one), I say unto you that the source of the problem is fully, totally, beyond the shadow of a doubt identified. The villain unfortunately is me (I if you prefer the correct grammar which I am far, far too upset to invoke). (Another Technician...), sanctified be his name forever and ever, amen, solved the problem. He is the first class guy with C***** whom I told you about. (Damn, grammar sneaked in there.) He noticed a little,subtle, hard to hear, rhythmic click-click-click in the line. Ah Hah, said I. That neighbor of mine with the barn beside the road wherein he houses his fence charger is the malfeaser, the miscreant, THE GUILTY PARTY, who has not correctly grounded his fence charger. I will rend him asunder, flay him, leave his bones for the buzzards, and then think how I can really hurt him. So we turned off G..'s fence charger. Lo and Behold the click-click-click on the telephone line did Not Stop. Yea, I say unto you, it did NOT STOP! The ear still beheard it. Yea, it continued. And so we turned off my fence charger, and the angels sang while the cherubim laughed and smiled and joked. The day turned unto night while the earth almost trembled. The Click-Click stopped. And the Internet triumphed. The Internet sprang forth quickly and correctly while the electrons danced their merry dance. It was truly a glorious nanosecond. Now why the charger is doing this is a separate issue not yet settled. Forsooth (so I'm guilty of another superfluity), we have changed charger, isolated sectors of the fence, called the manufacturer, etc. without getting a solution other than to TURN THE DAMN THING OFF WHEN I AM INTERNETTING!!!

So, there you have it in all its various shades of gray. I am he, hoisted on my own petard.

Dramatically,
                 <Customer>

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Customer: Yes I am having a problem printing a presentation in Word Perfect on my Hewlett Packard printer.

Tech: Does this have any thing to do with the Internet?

Customer: No.

Customer: It says; "Enter your full name." What do I do now?

Tech: Internet Tech Support. This is so-and-so speaking.

Customer: Yes, I can't run Netscape.

Tech: Are you getting any specific error messages when you try to run Netscape?

Customer: Yes, it says; "Missing operating system."

Tech: You're getting that error message when you try to run Netscape????

Customer: Yes.

Confused Tech: ........I've never heard of that error message in Netscape......

<Tech thinks about this for a minute>

Tech: Lets back up and start from the beginning. Tell me everything you are doing up to the point you get that error message.

Customer: Well first I turn on my computer and then it says; "Missing operating system."

The Elite Club
(The following call took place in late 1997)

<Customer trying to sound important and talking down to the Tech>

Customer: You're probably not use working with an operating system as sophisticated as this one.

<Tech expecting Sun Solaris, Dec Alpha, Unix mainframe, Vax VMS..etc.>

Curious Tech: Really?! What operating system are you running?

<Customer still trying to sound important>

Customer: Why this is a top of the line Compaq laptop with Windows 95!

<Tech hits mute button and laughs - Compaq is not high on his list of desirable computers. Especially since Compaq is too cheap to include a copy of the Windows 95 cd with many of their computers, and Compaq makes their customer's back up 30 something disks when the customer turns on their computer for the first time, so the customer will have a copy of Windows 95 on diskette!
    Compaq has also been known to try to charge their customer's $36.00 per call when their customer called Compaq Technical Support just to ask how to turn off Call Minder only two weeks after buying the Compaq computer!>

Tech: I'm familiar with Windows 95. What kind of problem are you having?

Customer: Oh! Do you have Windows 95 there where you work?!

<Customer now talking to tech as if they are part of an elite club>

Tech: No Sir, I'm not running Windows 95.

<Customer again trying to sound important and talking down to the tech>

Customer: Oh. You must have Windows 3.1.

The tech was actually running Windows NT 4.0 Server - Service Pack 3 on a dedicated T1 with the Internet Information Server version 3.0 and FrontPage 97 server extensions installed. He was also running Windows NT 4.0 Workstation on a second computer as a Quake game server [Winded v1.06], and a Macintosh 7200/120 running Mac OS 8.

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