Actual Calls and Letters to Tech Support

Volume 5

When Idiots Think They Know Something and Don't - # 1
(Or..Oooh! He's downloading a program! Lets disconnect him!)

Actual email sent to support@internot.not

Date: Thu, 21 May 1998 21:27:57 -0400
From: Kevin Bonehead <Kevin@Boneheads.Stup>
Subject: WHY? NO NEED
Sender: SUPPORT@Internot.Not
Resent-to: SUPPORTBK@WS122.TS.Internot.Not
To: support@Internot.Not, somebody_else@Internot.Not
Reply-to: Hostmaster@Boneheads.Stup
Message-id: <3564D49D.140EC17D@Boneheads.com>
Organization: Bonehead Brokers Group
MIME-version: 1.0
X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.04 [en] (Win95; U)
Content-type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit
Status:  

Hello
This message is for the person or person ( systems admin.) whom monitors your Modem lines to see how long users are on line.  Let me explain where I am coming from. I have started two ISP in In-Breed Beach and have very good knowledge of the ISP systems, routers, servers, Microcom and ETC. I know you can disconnect users at will......

Stop disconnecting me during up loads and down loads or when I am passing packets. Many times you have disconnected me when I was attached to servers sending over data. or even up loading  files to customers PC's....and please don't tell me your equipment doesn't tell you Im passing data.......

I know you monitor this and can disconnect at will. Please stop....... Some times you have disconnected me minutes after reconnecting. and had done this 2 and 3 times in a row...

Your attention to this matter would be a solution.....

====================================================================
Web Site Hosting - E-Mail - Site Management - Bone Head Directory

Kevin Bonehead  - president Bone Head Group mailto:sales@Boneheads.Stup http://www.Boneheads.Stup
Phone: 1-###-###-#### Fax: 1-###-###-#### Toll Free: 1-88 B-ONE-HEAD ====================================================================

Jesus! I have better things to do than scan the modem banks for seventeen different states trying to figure out who is downloading a program, so I can disconnect them.

Resolution: The customer had purchased a shit modem. - Cornfed

Our in-house joke response to this email was; "Oh no Sir. That couldn't have been us. Our Modem Disconnector took all yesterday off to go on a fishing trip." <Click Me!>

When Idiots Think They Know Something and Don't - # 2

Tech: Internet Tech Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Agitated Customer: Yes I am visiting here in <some resort area>, and I signed up with your service. I am Microsoft Certified. I have my MSCE, and I know you are blocking POP3 connections to outside mail servers, because I can't check my mail at my other ISP. I even dialed in long distance to my local access number at my other ISP, and it works just fine!!!!

<It is a known fact in Tech Support that customer's will often lie through their teeth to support their preferred belief rather than admit they might be at fault for their current problem. A good tech never takes the customer's word for anything without first checking it out for himself. Assume nothing!>

Tech: Sir we do not block POP3 connections to other servers. Your other Internet service may have their SMTP server set to only allow connection on their IP blocks, but most ISP's will let you check your email no matter where you are coming from. A block on the SMTP server would stop you from sending mail through their server if it was addresses to someone outside their domain, but it would not stop you from checking your email.

<This discussion goes on for several minutes. The customer was rather young and kept telling me he was Microsoft Certified and talking down to me in a rather snotty tone of voice. I was sweet as peaches to him, because I already knew he was clueless. I also knew in the end he would we hang himself. I decided to humor the customer, and at the same time lead him right to the rope and noose.>

Tech: Well let me dial in to your local access number, and I'll see if I can check email on one of my accounts at another ISP.

Customer: You have to log in with MY account and NOT yours!!

Tech: Ok.

<The customer gave me his username and password, and I dialed in and connected to his local access number through us. I successfully checked my email at a mail server through another ISP>

Tech: Sir I do not have an account at your other ISP, so I cannot check email there. It's up to you, but if you want I will try to check your email at your other ISP. I will need your username and password for that account to do that though. It's up to you.

<The customer agrees and gives me his username and password for his email account at the other ISP. I set up Eudora Pro 4.0 to check his email account at the other ISP, and tried to check his his email when I received the following error...>

Eudora Pro: Error logging in to POP3 server. I said; "Shhhh! Don't tell anyone", and the server responded; "BAD PASSWORD!"

<I read the error message back to the customer and the tone of his voice changed rather drastically. I verified his username and password and tried to check his email again. Same error message. By this time the customer's voice had begun to tremble and he sounded like he wanted to run away and hide. He sheepishly said; "I really am Microsoft Certified." He thanked me and hung up. The whole time I was just as friendly as possible, but the grin on my face as I hung up was a dead give away as to what was really on my mind. - Cornfed>

As reported by another tech...

Tech : Thanks for calling Internet Tech Support this is #$%^& how may I help you..

Lady : I'm always online...

Tech : Ok what seems to be the problem.

Lady : I cant log off and I don't want to have to pay for all the time I've been online. (She was being very rude at this point.)

Tech : Ok look down next to your clock on the start bar. Are there two small computers down there ?

Lady : No.

Tech : Well this means you are not online.

Lady : YES I AM ONLINE ITS ON MY SCREEN RIGHT NOW!!!!! AND I CANT GET IT OFF!!!!

Tech : What do you see on your screen ?

Lady : THERE ARE INTERNET BUTTONS ON MY SCREEN!!!

Tech : I turned down the volume on my headset.

Tech : What do these buttons look like and what do they have written on them?

Lady : She explained the Yahoo Chat Menu .gif file.

Tech : Ma'am please hold on for just one moment. I put her on hold.

Tech : At this point I realized what she had done.

Tech : HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

Tech : Ok Ma'am were you chatting on Yahoo before this happened.

Lady : Yes I was and now I cant log off the internet, and I am not going to pay for it.

Tech : Ok Ma'am "mute button : heh heh heh.."

Tech : Lets take care of this right away. I will correct this for you immediately.

Tech : I took her through the procedure of changing her desktop since she had right clicked this image and set it to be her desktop from her web browser..

Tech : I then had to take a break.

Note : Some people are Dumb as a Rock!


"Feel free to edit this as you see fit Cornfed. Damn I will be laughing about this all day long." - Tech

You did what?!?!

A lady called in to Tech Support and said she could send email locally just fine, but she could not send international email. The tech asked her if she was getting any error messages and she said; "Yes. The operator keeps coming on." The tech became some what confused and said;

Tech: Now wait a minute. You connect to the Internet ok normally?

Customer: Yes

Tech: You can browse the web and check your email?

Customer: Yes

Tech: ..but when you try to send an international email message the operator comes on with a message?

Customer: Yes.

Resolution: The customer had some how come to the conclusion that in order to send email internationally she needed to add the international dialing prefix for the country she was emailing to our local dial-in number BEFORE connecting to the Internet! Doh!

Submitted by another tech where I work...

ME: Thanks for calling internet tech support. Can I get your username?

Customer: Ummmmmmmmm??? (This went on for a moment then she managed to give me the wrong name six times all different names)

ME: Ok its the first part of your email address

Customer: Oh that's it?? (she then gave me the correct username)

ME: What seems to be giving you problems today?

Customer: My flashy thing that I got from the telephone company wont stay in the drive!!! Fix it!!! (She was now rather irate)

ME: Ok maam you mean the cd correct?

Customer: Yes what else would I mean??? I have to hold the silly thing in up while I close the drawer!!

ME: ?????

Customer::... and then when it closes I hear this clink and then I click on the d thingy and it says drive not ready or something.....and then when I go to take it out the cd isn't there!!!

ME: Maam why do you have hold the cd up when you close the drawer???

Customer: Cause it will fall out on the desk if I don't!! (That question really pissed her off)

ME: (Thinking that I have it solved) Maam is the word power written upside down on the computer?

Customer: Yes the computer wasn't working one day, and I turned it over and it worked.

ME: (As calmly as I could without laughing) You need to turn the computer back over and try again

Customer: Ohhh (click and she hung up)

My theory is that she felt really silly and had to go.

A Thank You Note

A lady called having problems getting her email in Netscape. It seems it had never worked. It turned out she had her POP account set up incorrectly. I fixed the settings and let her go. A few minutes later we received a thank you note in our support account from her and it said;

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated the help I received from your tech "Mr. Mozilla"....

A Moron Calls Me at Home
(Personal Rant)

   This moron called my apartment, and asked to speak to Joe. I replied; "I'm sorry there is no one named Joe here. You have the wrong number." <click>. The phone immediately rings again. "Still the wrong number. Goodbye". The phone immediately rings again. I pick up the phone and hang it right back up. The phone immediately rings again (4th time), so I turn the ringer off and let the moron talk to my answering machine. He left the following message (Click here). Him stoop-id!

Undeliverable Email

A user failed to send email to someone he/she knew. Why? Well take a look at what the user entered as the recipient or "To:" address.

From the mail server system log <Domain and IP deliberately masked>

==================
Dec 16 20:06:37 mail.internot.not sendmail[900]: UAA00900: ruleset=check_mail, arg1=<14707 W ANTELOPE DR>, relay=ip-##-###.###.dialup.xxxx.xxx [123.456.789.012], reject=553 <14707 W ANTELOPE DR>... Domain name required
==================

He he.. Life does have it's humor.

   A luser called in to Tech Support today and cussed out one of the new techs. Another ISP employee happen to be around and took over the call. The luser/customer began being very rude to the new person. The new person asked the customer why he was being so rude, and the luser cussed him out and hung up. Unfortunately for the luser the person he cussed out was the Tech Support Shift Supervisors' bosses' boss. The account was immeditely terminated. I guess the luser will spend the next few days trying to figure out why he cannot log in anymore.

-Cornfed

=============
A reader replies...
=============

>oh gee that was funny.... i guess customer focus isnt a strong focus there..
>anyoen bother to find out *why* the customer was upset?
>no, i guess not, lets just call them a loser and get on with our jobs
>- nevermind that its the customer who pays your salary....sheesh

=======
My reply
=======

Ok. If I pay you $19.95 a month minus the cost of running an Internet service provider, how long will you stand there and let me abuse you before you tell me to get lost?

-Cornfed

Where are the lines?

This is not a technical support story, but I had to post it. I actually heard a woman say this during an airplane flight from Phoenix, AZ to Charlotte, N.C.

The airplane pilot came over the p.a. during the flight with the usual announcement;

PILOT: This is your pilot speaking. We are currently flying over the Texas Pan Handle at an altitude of (blah blah blah). Our current spead is (blah blah blah).....

The woman in front me started looking out her window towards the ground. After a few minutes she turned to her husband and said;

WOMAN: Where are the lines?

HUSBAND: What?

WOMAN: Where are the lines? I can't tell which state we are flying over. Where are the lines?

I did not make this up! - Cornfed

More tech support funnies and stories to come later - 6/18/98

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